Time to dig in hang tight we are going to cover a lot of ground today. We will cover chapters 3-14 Boundaries Face to Face today. This is the practical stuff—the to do’s of the conversation.
1. Be fully there: don’t just show up to the conversation, be emotionally present, knowing your own feelings, seeking to get in touch with the feelings of the other party. Be warm and available, remembering to listen and not lecture. Yes, even when you disagree.
2. Be clear about “You” and “I”: It’s crucial to remember that there are 2 sides people involved in a conversation. When you express something, say “I” . . . blah blah blah. . . instead of “You” . . . blah blah blah. . . because you can only speak for yourself. As much as you may think you know what the other person is thinking, you do not. Be sympathetic to the person and try and put yourself in their shoes as to what it would feel like to be confronted--- that is be humble, Psalms 18:27.
3. Clarity, Clarity, and Clarity: Be extremely clear about the problem, don't lose focus and go over offense after offense. It can be tempting, but it really doesn’t do anybody any good. The 3 Parts of Stating the Problem: 1. Clarify the problem; 2. clarify the effects of the problem 3. Clarify your desire for change
4. GRACE and truth: You will want to balance both grace and truth when approaching someone, but always lean on the side of grace if you are in question. Grace demonstrates that you are for the person and truth helps the person see the reality of the situation so that they can change.
5. Stay on task: Don’t surprised or upset by defensiveness or deflections. Accept these patterns as a part of the person until they decide to change. When you are ready for; you can more readily deal with it. Try listening, empathizing, and offering to look at your part in the matter – then say that you would like to get back to the matter at hand. At a later time you can inquire – not blame—the person about their defensiveness.
6. "When you do "A", I feel "B": Letting the other person know how you feel builds the relationship, “Love one another deeply, from the heart.” 1 Peter 1:22. Share statements in “When you do “A”, I feel “B” form is a healthy way of communicating. Your part is it know what you feel, stick to your own experience, and to avoid saying “You make me feel”.
7. You can’t affirm and validate enough: Affirmation and validation is just a happy idea it is the responsibility of the confronter to affirm and validate so that the people you confront know that they are valued. In a good confrontation we are turning our face toward something together; to let the other person know that you are on the same side, looking at the issue as allies and not enemies. Let him know that the negative is not all there is nor is it the biggest thing. The relationship is the most important.
8. Own your part and apologize: Matthew 7:3-5, Remove the plank out of your own eye first. When we want to talk to someone about an issue it can often be so difficult b/c we are feeling hurt, we have to be willing to do the work to see what is going on inside of us first. An important principle to remember is this, when confronting, do not do id from a deficit balance. In other words, don’t confront if you owe an apology first.
9. Avoid "shoulds": When should is said in it’s purest form it isnt’ a bad thing, but the word can be used to show shame or control. Ex. “You should have made reservations.” “You should have thought about this.” These statements induce guilt, shame, and anger. Good relationships preserve someone’s dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.
10. Be an agent for change: In the conversation take the position that you have an attitude to help, to be an ally, and agent of change. Help the other person to the best of your ability. Romans 12:21 says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Even when bad things have happened, the confronter tries to make the situation one in which good things can happen for the person and for the relationship.
11. Specificity always helps: Ask for exactly what you need in the relationship. Ex. A woman asking for more connection from her husband should ask for a few specific ways that her husband could connect with her, not just connection.
12. Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Trust: Let’s just define em’. Forgiveness has to do with the past. Forgiveness means that you do not hold something against someone that they have done. It is letting it go and it only takes one to offer forgiveness (Matt 6:12, 18:35). Reconcilation has to do with the present and it happens when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile. Finally trust has to do with the future. It pertains to what you risk happening again and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show he is trustworthy before you trust him again, Matt 3:8, Prov. 4:23.
Taken from, Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have that Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding. By Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
